My mom's cousin had five children. A daughter and four sons. He didn't have any grandchildren even though his kids were all grown and out of the house.
I remember (in my judgmental way) wondering what happened? Were they such terrible parents that their children did not want to have children of their own? I was really baffled.
Then my own five kids, one girl and four boys, grew up. And started getting married. As my husband and I got older, as happens if you are lucky.
My daughter made it clear that she never was going to have children. Friends would say "she'll change her mind". Patronizing. But who knows. I was, and am sure she is not going to have children. I love her and respect her and will support her life choices. But, she would have made a cool mom. She is so smart and interesting. Her life her choice.
My boys have pretty much expressed an interest in being parents. But so far it has not happened. The two oldest got married with the express plan to have families. And they both have since been divorced (as has my daughter but that is not relevant to these things I am writing about). And, in retrospect it is a good thing that there were no children involved.
I always knew" that I would be a mother. My ideas of what would happen evolved. My original thought was that I would go to medical school. Have a couple of babies. Take off six weeks for each one and get back to the important work of adulting.
Thing is, I didn't go to medical school. I dropped out of college. I was a terrible student, plus we were so broke that I felt the need to work. For money I mean.
Once Nick finished law school, and started working in the adult world, I was ready to be a mom. I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to see and feel my belly growing. I was almost consumed by the thought.
We went to a doctor who did a bunch of tests, put me on fertility drugs and said that if they don't work in the first four months, they probably won't work. They didn't work.
Of course, eventually we did end up having our kids. We decided that it would be a good choice for me to stay home and raise our kids ourselves.
I loved the idea of being a stay at home mom. As a feminist I had no problem with the choice because it was a choice.
There were times when being a mother was very hard. Aggravating. Tiring . Hard. Frustrating. I am afraid I was not very good at hiding those feelings.
But, there was the amazing joy too. Holding out your hands to your little one as they take their first steps. Looking down at a milky smile when they are nursing. Seeing them being kind to other people. Playing peek-a-boo and having the wonderful sounds of laughter. Kissing a boo boo and making it better.
There was the frustration when a little voice says "I want Mommy", but there is also the satisfaction in knowing that you really are wanted and needed in that moment.
My greatest regret is how angry I would get. Shouting and the kids. Making them feel bad. It was really not their fault that I was not able to be all things to all people all of the time.
Would I do it over again? In a heartbeat. What would I change? I would be more patient and less annoyed. I would realize how fast the precious moments go and there's no sleeping teen needing to be woken up to catch the bus. No chatter at the dinner table.
I think, I imagine at least, that this is some of what makes being a grandparent so special. You get a part of your child back. You get to relive the joy and wonder. And you don't have the weight of the world on your parental shoulders.
So, will we ever become grandparents? Who knows. If we do, we will have passed the time when we can crawl around the floor with little ones.
I get to see and hold babies a lot anyway. Except for the last seven months or so with the pandemic.
We've done good. We raised five remarkable people. And they all still speak to us and love us. That's so special. I feel very lucky.
11 brutally honest reasons millenials don't want kids
When it comes to embarking on the journey of parenthood, lots of millennials are saying, "Meh. No, thanks."
According to data from the Urban Institute, birth rates among 20-something women declined 15% between 2007 and 2012. Additional research from the Pew Research Center reflects a longer-term trend of women eschewing parenthood as the number of U.S. women who choose to forego motherhood altogether has doubled since 1970.
This trend is fascinating, in part because there's long been a taboo associated with people (particularly, women) choosing to opt out of parenthood. Women who choose not to have kids have been referred to as "shallow" and "self-absorbed," and even the pope has said the decision not to procreate is fundamentally "selfish."
"It leaves your body and it costs $20-30K. I've $40K in student loans already taking up the rest of my life. And that's best case scenario. If anything goes wrong, double it."
"I'm pan[sexual] and currently in a relationship with a woman. Having a child biologically would involve a huge medical bill."
2. There's a strong fear of passing down mental health issues.
Those who have struggled with various mental illnesses reported being particularly wary of bringing kids into the world, out of a fear that they would inherit the painful experiences they themselves went through.
"I made up my mind when I had diagnosed with the same mental illness that my mother has. Being raised by my mother who has manic depression was scary. You shouldn't be afraid of your parent."
"I've struggled with depression and if I passed that pain on I would feel horrid for inflicting that sadness and numbing on another human. No one deserves to live like this if it can be prevented."
"I am mentally ill and mental illnesses than mine run in my family, as do autoimmune disorders. I do not want to bring a child into the world knowing that there's a strong chance it will struggle like I have."
3. The population is already out of control.
Some concerned citizens cited overcrowding and environmental concerns as reasons to fear a rapidly growing population. While there's some debate as to whether or not overpopulation is a serious threat to humanity, many millennials see it as a legitimate reason to avoid adding more humans to the equation.
"There are too many unwanted kids on the planet as is, so I don't want to bring more into the world. I'm adopting if I ever decide I want kids. People don't understand how bad having a large population is."
"I joined [the] zero population growth movement a long time ago for environmental reasons."
"I think we need more do-ers and innovators compared to repopulaters."
4. Fertility issues can give a different perspective on the necessity of having kids.
While one might assume that infertility only affects older women, some millennials struggle to naturally conceive as well. In fact, according to 2002 data from the Centers for Disease Control, 11% of married women under 29 have dealt with fertility issues. For some women, this can lead them to reconsider whether they even want a kid in the first place.
"I can't have kids naturally. It's not a sad thing though. A lot of other women get upset when I tell them that, but I just say I really have no right to complain about one gift I didn't receive when I have been given so many to begin with."
^Mic/GettyAlthough people who don't want to have kids are often called "selfish," our survey showed they're
anything but. If nothing else, our respondents were well aware that the responsibility to be a good parent means consistently putting the child first and making healthy choices for them, and they didn't feel they were up to that challenge.
"It overwhelms me to think that there would be a tiny little person growing inside of me, depending on me to make healthy choices."
"I might fuck them up with horrible parenting.
7. Not all women are preprogrammed with maternal instincts.
Much like comedian Margaret Cho, who once joked that she "ovulates sand," many women told Mic that they simply didn't feel they were born with motherly urges.
"I have personally have never felt the 'motherly instinct' that girls my age who are getting married and pregnant rave about. I have had multiple encounters with children throughout life and it is always an awkward and anxious experience for me."
"Children always have
irritated me to no end. The only time I enjoy children is when they are
quiet, humble, intelligent beings. Obviously these conditions are
unreasonable to expect of the tiny humans, so for me, the logical
solution is to not have any of my own."
8. The world isn't always a nice place.
Sometimes the decision to not be a parent is as simple as wanting to spare a child from having to live in a world of jerks. Citing factors like global inequality, bullying or a general discontent with society, many readers don't want their offspring to have to deal with the world's problems.
"I feel we have too many issues recently with law enforcement and government that I do not feel comfortable upbringing kids into this society."
"I was bullied a lot as a child. I know what children are capable of and it scares me. I see all children as a potential future threat, simply because about 70% of people in my year group were bullies, and most of them still are. I wouldn't want a child to have to live in a world where they'll either be bullied, or be the bully. I don't think I could handle seeing my child cry from being made fun of, or being told my own child had made someone else cry for fun."
"Honestly our society is kind of fucked up; I don't need to send someone out into that."
9. Sometimes, career ambitions take priority.
There is research suggesting that the idea of "having it all"—both a family and a kickass career—is something of an unattainable myth. So it's not surprising that a number of our respondents reported they see parenthood vs. career success as an impossible choice to make. Many said they would only view children as possible hindrances to their lofty career goals.
"I don't want to have kids because I am studying to be a surgeon and I don't think I could give them the attention they need with such a demanding job."
"When I imagine my future, I just don't see any [kids]. I love what I'm studying and I want to get the most out of my career. Whether that includes endless overtime, sleepless nights, relocating, and/or travel."
I have noted from quite a young age that when a man and a women get married and have children — it almost always means the women becomes a housewife (unless the parents both have to work). I have worked hard in school and would love to get married some day, but the idea that I would quite my job that I have worked my whole life to stay home for the next 18+ years does not appeal to me."
10. Children don't fit into every lifestyle.
Even when career goals weren't the primary reason behind the decision, many respondents cited a desire to preserve their already-fulfilling lifestyles as an equally compelling reason why they didn't want kids. These respondents felt that their lives were full (and busy) enough as is, without the added responsibilities that come with having children.
"My dream is to visit all 195 countries in the world (been to 23 so far) and I really don't feel like a child fits into the nomad lifestyle I want to live."
"With the way I want to live my life, kids would get in the way."
"I don't want kids because they're a fuckton of work."
While the Mic survey illuminated just how varied some of our reasons for not wanting to have kids are, one reason stood out among all the others: not needing a reason at all. After all, our personal choice as to what we want to do with our bodies are just that, personal. Many respondents felt they didn't need to provide an explanation one way or the other.
"Sometimes I think that "I just don't want to" isn't enough of a reason to explain the lack of progeny. Then I think, why the hell should the reason matter to anyone other than myself? And I am content with that."
"I don't want kids because I just don't. I shouldn't have to explain my reasoning, or even have a reason at all: my body, my choice."
This article was originally published on Jul 30, 2015
This article was originally published on Dec. 23, 2019
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