Are we on lockdown?

I keep hearing it is *so many* days in lock down / quarantine.     We missed Easter and Passover and now Ramadan.  I don't observe any of those holy days anyway, but they are days when, traditionally, families and friends get together for a meal and a nice visit.

There is a new forum called Zoom that a lot of folks are using to have face and voice contact without physical contact.

Our dinner group did Zoom once. My sister celebrated Easter with family in Virginia, Maryland, Norway and Thailand.  All at the same time.  I have done a few Zoom La Leche League meetings.  It is weird and amazing at the same time.

Zoom La Leche League meeting

It is after 1:00 in the afternoon and Nick and I are both still in our pajamas.    It's hard to keep track of the day of the week much less the time.  If not for dark at night and light in the day we would be totally confused.  Much like when we lived in Tromso.

I watch TV.  Lots of TV.  Nick watches TV in his study.  I watch TV in the family room.  The other day as we sat down to dinner (in front of the TV) I remarked that we had not been in the same room together all day.  Yup.  It's fine.

Time and age are two reoccurring themes here.  Nick says he is old now.  I guess if he's old, I must be too.  I certainly don't have the physicality I had 20 years ago.  Neither does he.  He gets charlie horses and gout attacks.  My knees hurt.  We have trouble climbing the stairs.    I keep telling myself that if I just lose 100 lb I will be better.  Which is true.  It's so hard.  Especially when you are pretty much confined  to the house.     Of course I have not been confined for the last 20+ years and somehow the fat and I found each other!

I have been knitting a lot.  I have knitted three scarves.  My sister and I subscribed to a yarn "club"   Every few weeks you get the yarn and pattern for some squares that will ultimately get assembled into afghan blankets.  Her's  is crochet and mine is knit.  I have completed the first three squares and just received the next three.   I have to wonder if anyone ever really finishes these projects?   I am reasonably sure that I will.

I am also working on a sweater for Courtney.  It is a beautiful blue.   It's almost finished.  I send Courtney pictures of my progress.     It looks like the pattern, but not exactly in my eyes.  We'll see.

This is a hank of yarn

I got a yarn winder so I could turn the hanks of yarn into balls of yarn, like this.

 I wrote about the binders I have filled with old letters to and from our overseas posts.  It's fun to read my memories of the babies and kids.  Their developmental growth from starting to smile to reading and growing up.



Yesterday  I dug through a box of spiral notebooks.  My journals.   Some of the writing is from before we were married.  Most of it is after.  I mention friends by name.  Some of whom I remember as clear as can be.    One I have even reconnected  with.  My friend Sandy, who had an abortion.  I drove her to the abortion clinic.  She was sad and scared.  She was not sure if it was the right thing to do or not.  I don't know how far along she was, but the clinic said that this was her last chance if she wanted to go through with it.  She did.    While I was waiting for Sandy, I had a pregnancy test there.  I was trying to get pregnant, but I wasn't (pregnant that is).  Sandy came home with me and slept in my bedroom for a while until she felt able to get up and go home.     I wonder where she is.  I try to look her up online but have not been able to find her.

We were so young.  I was younger than her.   Yet I felt so grown up.  Being married at 18, I was still a child.  But, I had taken on a lot of responsibility even before then.   Not sure if I would have done much differently.

The one thing that I wish I had done differently was try harder in school.  In my notebooks are notes form my classes.  And assignments written down.  I don't remember knowing so much.  I did so poorly.  My mind was on too many things at once and school was the thing that suffered the most.

I guess a part of getting older  is missing your old self.  Mourning for what you were and what you could have done differently.

I wish I had finished college and gone on to medical school.  I would be retiring or retired by now.  But I wouldn't have been able to be a full time mother.  It turns out, I have learned that for me at least, being a mom was more important that being a doctor.

I think that all of my "kids" are amazing people.   I cannot believe that we all lived in the same house together all at the same time.   It was so crazy and busy and noisy.  I know that I did neat and fun things with and for the kids.  I also got crazy angry at times and for that I am so sorry.

I need to eat lunch.  I'm hungry.