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| My friend Amaarah and her twins. They are 10 years old now! |
I write notes to myself. I make little bullet points just before each notation. I find it helps me remember what I need to get done- such as things that have a deadline. And it reminds me of the things I want to work on because I have started them and not finished them. Oh so many things I have started. Sewing projects. Knitting projects. Sorting, filing and scrap booking photographs. Getting enough sleep. Cleaning house.
Of course, I stay up later than I planned to- like tonight. Then I am tired in the morning. Then I promise myself that I will take a nap and then I don't.
I get up and get the coffee started before taking the dog out. Put the kettle on to boil. Depending on how badly Buddy need to get out, I may grind the coffee before taking him out. I make the coffee. Or Nick does if he's up first. I have my coffee with a little cup of yogurt. I turn on the TV and my computer. I learn what is on in the wider world on the big screen and what's new in my world on the small screen of my laptop. I play solitaire on my phone. Sometimes I am in my pajamas into the afternoon. It is comfortable and relaxing. But the guilt always seeps in. Feeling guilty for not "doing anything". I am not bored usually. Just sedentary. Quiet. Content. Relaxed. As long as I can keep the guilt away.
When I was in elementary school, I was like this- minus the pajamas in the middle of the day. I was content to let my mind wander. I could stare out the windows all day. I would half listen to the teacher teaching us about the rain forests of the Amazon. I ask "what's the difference between a forest and a jungle?". I am told that if I had been paying attenti9on I would know the difference. But even now, even when I am interested and paying attention, there are too many thoughts flying around in there- in my head- to fully take in what is presented in front of me. I have questions. I want to really understand. I want to know why. I want to know if there is more than one way to get to a goal.
And I guess when I write my lists, I am writing down my goals. And I get them done. Mostly.
I feel very depleted of energy right now. I am happy to sit. But then, when I do something, I feel more energy. That's why I go to the gym. I force myself to, at least twice a week, use my body to try to be healthier. When I go visit a new mom and baby, I usually feel energized by it. New moms are so beautiful and I think it is partly because they don't feel beautiful. The hair pulled back in a pony tail. No make up. Sleepy faced moms, often in their pajamas. First time moms who are overwhelmed with the responsibility and the love that hits so hard it takes you breath away. I tell them it is okay to cry. I tell them that their milk will flow with their tears. I don't know if there is any science to back that up, but I know that I believe it in my heart.
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| Me and each of my babies, nursing |
In some ways I am a grandmother/ mother figure. I rub shoulders and look for curled toes- a sign that something hurts and mom is denying it. I really care about every singe mom and baby I meet. Some moms need a hug from me before I leave them They feel the same connection with me that I feel with them.
It is always amazing to see these beautiful new moms when they venture out of the house and come to meet with other new moms. We meet at Starbucks and I honestly often recognize these women. They are in clothes and make up and have maybe even had a chance to wash their hair. Some are tired or stressed out frustrated. I offer what information I have. But the best thing, to me, is how all of the mothers really reach out and help each other. We have our own little village that is constantly changing as babies get more mobile, these new friends arrange play-dates. And as they start to fade, new moms come in.
On that note, I will say good night.
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