"life is but a dream" I wish!

I had my endoscopy this morning.  I took in the copy of my surgical report (from my brain surgery) and my swallow study report.   Based on those and the finding in the swallow study that I have an obstruction from my goiter, the anesthesiologist declined to sedate me.  She was afraid I might stop breathing and would have to be intubated.  (I was at a hospital not just a "center").  She was afraid that my trachea might have a bend or kink from the goiter and there is no way to know without an MRI.

So, I had my endoscopy with no sedation, just some numbing spray in the throat.  It was not painful, but it was pretty awful.  Thank goodness it was quick!

My gastroenterologist said I need to have my goiter removed.  I know that.  The swallow study said that.  I have been to numerous endocrinologists and have not had much success.  I am on medication.  I have been on thyroid medications since 1995.   One doctor fired me because I gained weight.   The most recent endo doc does not believe in some of the medications I have mentioned- i.e. Armour. 

I am wiped out.  I hate my body- all of the things that keep going wrong.   I think of an old car.  You repair one part and discover other things.

And,  I called and cancelled my dental appointment. I was supposed to go in tomorrow for extractions. Even though I won't have general anesthesia, I was planning to take something (Valium?) to calm me. Now I am afraid, with my restricted airway, to take or use anything that will chemically relax me. I don't want to stop breathing just yet.


The dentist's office was not too happy.  They had blocked out three hours for me tomorrow.   I feel a little guilty about that.  I have to remind myself, they work for me not the other way around.

I am sitting here staring at my computer screen because I don't know what to do next. Friends recommend their endocrinologist and tell you how wonderful doctor so and so is. But then I go and don't feel the same way. Nobody I know has the same issues I have, so I cannot rely on opinions alone. I may ask my neurosurgeon's office at Johns Hopkins. I feel paralyzed right now. I wish I could just be a kid and have someone take care of me!  Although, being a kid was not all that much fun either.