I grew up in a very stressful and abusive household as did my siblings. My mother was a victim of the stress from our father, but a a kid I used to feel abandoned by my mother because she couldn't save me from the abuse. And in fact, she had her own brand.
So, today I was looking up article about women who have been sexually abused and how it can impact their breastfeeding. Since abuse of any type makes you question your ability to get things "right", we expect to fail at giving birth, breastfeeding, and mothering. Well, many of us do.
If you click on the picture on the top of this blog entry, it should take you take you to the article. I was amazed at how much of what is written applies to ME! It talks about the fact that many of us are not fat as kids and wore a nice sized wedding dress. We don't gain 10 pounds a year for years. We just sort of pack it on all at one. One hundred pounds in a year. I really feel like that is what happened to me. And the endocrinologist I was seeing and had been seeing for years finally "fired" me. As my weight went up, she would tell me how most of her patient's health problems were completely preventable and controllable. As I approached 200 lb, my doctor called and said that there was nothing else she could do for me and wished me luck. Thanks! It's not great being fat. Obese. Having a high BMI. When I see pictures of myself with my friends, I am the biggest woman in the group.
Yes, I know what to do lose weight. It is not that easy. When I got married I weighed 125. When I went to the hospital to have Austin, I was over 200#, but he was almost 10#. I lost all of that weight through breastfeeding and just being busy.
I am not really looking for pity. Maybe I am looking for understanding. From my friends who don't have to wear size 22. I have worked and worked at getting my body to be healthy. For the past 2+ years I have been going to the gym a minimum of three days a week, often 6 days a week. I could see a difference in my stamina and my ability to do things, but I am still the fat woman in the jogging pants and old t-shirt.
Yes, I was abused as a child. I will not talk about what my abuse is here. It is private. I may share it with my therapist one day. But, reading that article I feel a little bit better about learning that it is not just that I am slovenly or a pig that I am fat. I am damaged and I need to work on myself. I have been working on it for most of my life and I won't give up.
Now, I have to get recovered from my brain surgery so I feel well enough to get out and work out!
Oh, we went to the Reston Farmer's Market today. I took some nice pictures. I went into Small Change to see if they would sell some of my hats on commission. They said yes, and I left some hats there.
When we got home, I was so wiped out I couldn't even knit. That's bad for me!
I love Reston Farmer's Market!
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