For most of my adult life I have identified myself as a mother and housewife. I inherited, for better or worse, my mother's need to cleanliness and order in my home. Unfortunately, I am the only one in my family who feels very strongly about it, and as a result, I often feel like I am being looked upon as being (slightly) superficial. Conversely, when I express my dissatisfaction at the state the house is in, or the sloppy manner in which a job is done, I know that the person I am addressing feels slighted and insulted.
A clean house is not the sign of an empty head. Not necessarily. Homemaking can be an art and a form of peace and solace. And so, I feel dismissed when I am unhappy about the state of things.
So, here is what I wrote in 2002. Not sure if my preamble makes sense. It seems to make sense to me.
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April 12, 2002
The
rain dripping in the gutters all night had led to less than a good night’s
sleep. She was finally able to fall
sound asleep and the damn alarm clock said that enough time had been spent in
bed and it was time to get up. Getting
out of the warm bed she shivered and went to the bathroom to pee. The dogs decided that if she was up, they
had to get up too. They followed her
wherever she went, and in the morning, they knew that she would let them out to
relieve themselves too. Shuffling to
the back door, sleep in her eyes, she looked out at the cold, gray windy day
and wished she could stay in bed all day.
As she opened the door, the younger dog bounded out full of life. The old dog had to be coaxed so shivering,
she went out and puckered her lips and made a loud kissing, smooching sound to get the old dog to come. Then she turned and looked at the rain
darkened dirt in the yard. The barren
winter trees swayed in the wind. The
sun burned them into a glowing red orange that took her breath away. It was unearthly in its brilliance. She was looking at the trees to her west,
the sun rising behind her and reaching its rays to this treed horizon. She was tempted to run upstairs and wake up
the kids to look at this spectacular sight, but she knew that they would not
appreciate it. In fact they would
probably ruin it for her with their complaints of being pulled from their warm
beds. Besides, as the sun continued to rise the sky returned to normal and the day
was windy and gray and cold again. Her husband had left for work before the sun
came up and was no doubt traversing some subway tunnel as the show was going on
in the heavens above him. You don’t
miss a thing if you don’t know about it.
She
put the coffee on, turned on the Today show and plodded through her morning
routine. Coffee, news, a banana muffin
and more coffee to wash it down. The
dogs were in full form, barking at the neighbor taking his trash out. It was too cold to go get the paper just in
her pajamas, so she contented herself with reading the old newspapers that were
strewn about. The only things really
worth reading were the comics and Ann Landers.
Maybe there would be something juicy in the society pages. She read her
horoscope every day, but could never remember her husband’s sign and had to
look it up each time. She promptly
forgot it anyway. Just a diversion.
She
opened the back door and the dogs came bounding in before she had a chance to
wipe the mud off of their feet. Good
thing that the carpet was already dirt colored anyway. The only practical color with a house full
of kids and dogs.
The
baby, actually already a toddler,
always slept late, thank God, so she didn’t have to deal with him for a
while yet. Time to get the other two up
and ready for school. The girl, ten
years old, was sleeping the sleep of the dead.
Her curly hair tangled, this was the best time to brush the knots
out. And it worked to wake her up too. The girl got up, dressed and went
downstairs to watch cartoons. The boy
woke up with a smile as usual. He
always swore that he wasn’t sleeping, just pretending. He hated pajamas, so after his bath at
night he put on the next days clothes.
He was dressed and ready when he woke up.
Cheerios
for the girl, hot oatmeal for the boy, they sat and ate with the TV on while
the she packed their lunches and got their backpacks ready for school. They hurried to brush their teeth. It was cold and so jackets, mittens and hats
went on. After zipping everyone up the
mom sent them out the door to catch the bus.
Peace
and quiet again while she washed the breakfast dishes and started to tidy up
the kitchen. She saw the bus go, so she
knew that it was okay to get a shower
before the baby woke. Out of the
shower dressed in old jeans and a sweatshirt, she gathered up all the laundry
and tossed it down the stairs. She
could carry it down in a basket, but she loved to see it fly! Socks and shirts and little and big pairs of
underpants landed strewn all over the front hallway. She went down the stairs carrying the empty basket kicking the stray pieces of clothing the
rest of the way down. As soon as she
started the first load, the baby came crawling down the stairs backward in his
blanket sleepers. With a sleepy face
and a heavy wet diaper he found his way into her lap to nurse.
She
nuzzled her nose into his soft hair and thought about her life. How boring she used to think that it would
be to be home all day. At one time,
when she was a lot younger, she thought that staying home was such a waste of
time and talent. She was sure that she
would have a career, taking off a few weeks for each baby. That surely would be enough. Any idiot can raise a baby after all. And she was no idiot.
Sitting
there, nursing, listening for the washer to finish she thought of the song
“Amazing Grace.” The words “I once
was lost, but now I’m found, was blind, but now I see.” Ah yes, she thought, how true. How true indeed. The baby smiled and the milk ran out the corner of his mouth and
they both laughed.
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