A part of it is my life long (or at least as an adult) feelings of guilt about "doing nothing". I have always felt that one needs to be doing something of it is wasteful. Wasting time when things need to get done. Knitting while watching TV. Throwing laundry from the washer to the dryer and from the hamper into the washer in the midst of cooking dinner or cleaning house.
But, in general, I just don't feel like doing that stuff too much any more. It is partly because I don't have kids and their messes to deal with. And kids, well, you have to feed them and wash their clothes and stuff. Also, when the kids were around I often would pain with them or make play dough or cut veggies or bake. Do "mom stuff". Nobody needs me in that way any more, and I guess that is part of my issue.
The lack of structure in our lives is a large part of it too. We stay up too late- especially me. Then I wake up either too tired to do much, or I sleep in and lose a big part of the day.
Today, Nick and I went for a drive to Leesburg and had lunch at Roy Rogers. We always ate at Roy Rogers before we were married and even after we were if we had the money. Of course, I cannot eat the buns on the sandwiches any more, but they are great without the bread too.
Then we drove out to Eco Village, a place we thought semi seriously about building and moving to a while back. we even had a deposit down, but we got it back. Anyway, it was nice to get out and just be out of the house, looking at old farm buildings and new housing developments.
This evening I was lucky enough to come across a show on PBS about the Norwegian Coastal Steamer, the Hurtigrut. We arrived in Tromso on the hurtigruta back in 1984. We took it from Trondheim toTromso, a two day journey, with six year old Courtney and three year old Morgan, and myself hugely pregnant with Darcy. (he was born just three weeks after we arrived).http://www.hurtigruten.us/Schedule/
Norway is so beautiful. I was there as a small child of three, but don't remember that. I grew up with a Norwegian grandmother with an accent none of my friends could understand. We went there on our honeymoon in 1972. Then we went to live there.
I have been back a few times to visit family there as has my sister. My brother in law was Norwegian. Being half Norwegian by birth/ genes, I have such a feeling for the place. It's like my soul is in the hills and mountains and trees and sky there. The earth is in my deepest piece of my self.
Watching the show made me remember what a breathtaking place we lived in. It also made me sad. Sad, because I have suffered depression so much of my life that I have never been truly about to become a whole part of where I lived. I was always homesick. Even though I have made life long friends all over the world, much of the time when I was there, I wanted to be here.
But I do have to say that our best Christmases were the ones overseas. When we had our little nuclear family unit and no other stresses.
I think that the term "bucket list" is out of fashion. But that is what I have. I have several versions of it actually. In all of my versions, I want to go back to all of the places overseas that we have lived. I want to see the houses, at least the ones that are still there. I would like to see and perhaps even stay with old friends and with family. Now here's the hard part. Nick would like to go to all of these places too. But he has no interest in seeing any of the people we knew, or taking their hospitality and staying with them.
And then there's the third version; we come into some money, or manage to save enough, and take all five kids to all of the places we have lived and show them. Of course in my fantasy world they love the idea. They have heard about all of our travels and the places we have lived. The older kids can even remember a lot. The problem is, in reality, they would not probably want to make a trip like this. Or if they did, they would be driven crazy hearing Nick and I say "that's where we...". Nothing like being forced to relive memories that are not even your own.
And the forth version, which is a bit modified, involves going to Norway with my sister. She and I have no problem contacting relatives and friends. But I cannot imagine she would want to go to the other places we lived. Oh well.
And now, off to bed. To the gym I go in the morning and the dentist in the afternoon. What a day full of adventure!
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