So far so good

The last week or so I have been contemplating my future.  Not that I am not always doing that anyway.  But, I found a lump in my breast.

I am a lactation consultant,  I know what breasts feel like.  Some are lumpy, but when a lactating breast is lumpy, it is usually a plugged duct.   I have not been a lactating mother for a very long time.  So, I did not imagine I had a plugged duct.

I was quiet about it for about a week.   I was able to get an appointment with my gynecologist to get an order for a mammogram.   I could have gone to get one without the doctor's order, but, I wanted her to write the order in a way that assured that the lump would be seen and studied.

I kept saying, "it's fine".  "I am going to be just fine".  "It's probably nothing".  But I had not really convinced myself.

I had always told myself that if I had breast cancer I would be fine and get through it.  If I needed to have my breasts removed, I would be okay with that too.

Then, for a brief moment of my life, I faced that possibility.  And I felt sad.  These are the breasts that fed my babies.  That have known life and love.  They are a part of me.

The fear of the practical things in life getting disrupted.  Like who would run the weekly drop in breastfeeding cafe' that I have held weekly for the last seven years.  Who would water my house plants, and keep the bird feeders full.  What would my kids think?   How would they cope?

And I kept smiling and telling everyone "oh it's all going to be fine".

Yesterday I had a very complete mammogram,  a 3D mammogram and an ultrasound.   When the tech said she was going to get the doctor, I braced myself for ...well.. whatever would come next.

The doctor came in smiling.  She shook my hand as she introduced herself, and she said I am just fine.  Nothing wrong.  No cancer.

I texted my sister because I know she was as worried as me if not more.  I texted my husband, and told him I was on my way home VIA the bird seed store.

I stopped at the grocery store and came home and cooked a good dinner.

And when I went to bed, I wanted to cry.  Cry hard.   I have had too many friends who did not have good news.  I cannot imagine how they felt, but I am sure they cried.

But, I didn't cry.   Nick came to bed and he read the names of various community center courses which we re-named into silly words and activities.  We laughed and laughed.  And I slept better than I have in a long time.

The Women's March January 21, 2017

This is my friend Maureen and here's what she wrote:


The chocolate chip cookie drop worked! I scored a Pussy Hat tonight from the collection site in Reston. They got over 60,000 hats, knitted by supporters all over the world! Mine was knitted by Erika from Madison, Wisconsin. Here I am with my dear friend Nancy, who already knitted several hats for the Marchers.

Maureen was hoping I would have a hat for here and I wish I did.  But I am confident that all of my hats were at the demonstrations in Washington, DC today!!

.

Protesters in solidarity, Perth, Western Australia

 

My knitting being worn in DC

I've been knitting

The Women's March on Washington D.C. is happening January 21, 2017! The Pussyhat Project launched Thanksgiving weekend! As of now, we have 4 days to knit, crochet, and sew 1.17 million pink pussyhats. Join the movement!
Please check out The PDF to get the whole picture of what we're about.  We'll be updating this website with more content SOON.

Reflecting on the New Year

1955

1971

1983

2008

2015 the tape is there because I just had my thyroid removed

2007

2012

1994

2016

I posted the most recent picture, from 2016, on Facebook as my "profile picture".  This is pretty much how I look when I am not too tired, have on a bit of make-up, and am smiling.

I wanted to load the pictures here in chronological order, but haven't yet mastered that skill.   Oh well, I did date them the best I could.

My favorite picture among these, of myself anyway, is the one from 1983.  Of course I was a lot younger and thinner.  That helps.  And something that bugs me, but nobody else probably cares about, is how much straighter my teeth were back then.

I want to get them back to that although some people would say "you're almost 63, what does it matter how you look?".    Well, I don't know that it matters in terms of global importance, but it matters to me.

I guess I am aging alright.   I don't know what I expected!  I kind of had a picture in my mind, once upon a time, of myself in my 60s with two long, gray braids.    Wearing overalls.   Being a country woman.   I imagined myself as one of Joni Mitchell's

"Ladies of the Canyon".      

She always makes you welcome in
Cats and babies 'round her feet
And all are fat and none are thin
None are thin and all are fat
She may bake some brownies today
Saying you are welcome back


I knew this song before  I was married and before I was a mother, but I had a romantic vision of myself with cats and babies.  I got to live that dream, didn't I?   And I can always go back and listen to the music.

What is it about the music of youth and dreams?  Here's another one that Nick and I both loved listening to:

"Teach Your Children"

You, who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so, become yourself
Because the past is just a goodbye

Teach your children well
Their father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you

And you (Can you hear?) of tender years (And do you care?)
Can't know the fears (And can you see?) that your elders grew by (We must be free)
And so, please help (To teach your children) them with your youth (What you believe in)
They seek the truth (Make a world) before they can die (That we can live in)

Teach your parents well
Their children's hell will slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picks, the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you will cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you

 

New years eve eve

Tomorrow is new years eve and it's that time when people make resolutions and plans on how the new year will be better than the last year. 

Resolutions.  I try to be cool about it.  Not proclaim my "resolutions" publicly,  but that little, inner voice is telling me how much better I am going to be.

It's been a rough couple of years.  Brain tumor.  Brain surgery.  Huge thyroid.  Thyroidectomy.    Torn meniscus.  Knee surgery.  Old cat.  Dead cat.  And my latest, preparing for dental implants by having four teeth removed and a bone and skin graft.  Currently in pain but getting better.

So, what does 2017 hold?   Nobody really knows.  My goal, no more medical crap.  No more surgeries.  Get healthy.  Live healthy.  Be healthy.

Be happy.  Or at least try. 

I feel like the last 15 years have been hard.  Well, life is hard.  But beginning with my brother's death, my dad and mother and numerous friends and family dying.

Five kids, all grown up.  Feeling pretty good about these adults and how they have turned out so far.  But I miss feeling needed.   I tell myself that.  I guess I am nostalgic, but we are all where we should be.  And I felt so overwhelmed at times when I was really on call 24/7, when someone needed to nurse while someone else needed a scraped knee kissed and made better.

Parenting is something I always wanted.  I got it.  Regrets?  Yes.  I could have been more patient.  I could have smiled and laughed more and gotten mad less.    But, all in all, something must have gone right.

Starting a new year with Nick and the dog.  No kids on the house.    Yes, I miss them.  But I am happy for them too.

Thanks kids for making me a mother and forcing me to be a big kid at times, and a grown up at others!

Merry Christmas 2016

'Tis the Season

Fa la la la la...

So much to write about, so little time.  Nick and I are going to visit his mom and the rest of his family  shortly, so I don't have much time to write anything.

Just felt like sending some words out into the world to say "hey, I'm still alive"!