Ahh Life

That;s what I had intended to label the other day.  I woke up to a beautiful day feeling great.  I am so happy when those days happen.

The next few days were not to much "ahh" as "oh no".   I have been having stresses and disappointing moments.  My knee isn't able to bend as far as I would like, or how I think it should.

We went to some friend's house for dinner the other evening.  It was a long car ride- over an hour.  That alone is hard on my leg.  Then, we sat in the living room talking and then into the dining room to eat,and talk some more.  Then another long ride home.  Normally  all of this would be great.  I would be energized by the evening.    It's nobody's fault.  It's just where I am right now.

Tomorrow makes it 8 weeks since my knee replacement surgery.   I must say, I am so much better than I was. But I am a way away from where I need to be.

All of the months of physical therapy in preparation for this surgery must have helped, but it's hard to say right now.

Got to take a shower and get ready to go to PT again!

Ice is my friend!

After complaining about my aches and pains, I made use of ice.  I have an ice machine that wraps around the knee and runs for 30 to 60 minutes depending on how I set it.

I also have ice packs in the freezer that are in a Velcro pocket and can be wrapped around the other knee.

Plus one more insert for the wrap that I placed on other sore parts.

Pain medications help too.

Today we had several appointments that means that we were out and about for hours. I am wiped out!

and so it goes.

And now this...

My current condition. My left knee is the newly replaced knee. It is recovering slowly, but it's much better. Now I have terrible pain in the other knee. I needs replacing too, but cannot be done for several months and I am not sure I can go through it again. Add to that my pubic symphasis has started to really hurt right now- today. I know that have arthritis there- same orthopedist x-rayed it some years ago. I think that the bones first separated when I was pregnant with Courtney. It bothered me with each pregnancy. Occasionally since then which I have always attributed to being overweight.

I went to weight watchers yesterday for the first time since before surgery. I have gained 6 lb, since surgery, but had lost 30lb before surgery. Sitting here with the ice machine on one knee and an ice-pack on my pubis.

Fingers crossed all will be better by the time I head for New Orleans. If not, I'll arrange to rent a scooter there.

I had posted picture illustrating where I was hurting, but it seems to have disappeared.  So, instead I am posting the x ray pictures of my knee replacement.

Just over 6 weeks out

Yup, it's been six and a half weeks since my knee replacement surgery.    I saw the surgeon on Wednesday for the first time since the surgery. 

Doctor walked in saying "are you glad you had the surgery, aren't you feeling a lot better than before?"  To which I said "no".     

The doctor put me through some stretches that I didn't do very well.  Sitting in a chair, he pushed  my surgical knee/ foot back to be even with the other foot when I am sitting.  I could feel the stretching and, it hurt.  Also, on the exam table, he pushed my leg straight/  flat down on the table with my knee not bent at all (which is really hard to do).  That also hurt.

But, I did come away understanding the importance of pushing through the pain so I don't form debilitating scar tissue.  Yes, I have to work a bit harder.

Yesterday I decided that I could accomplish the knee and leg extension best on the floor.  It is true.  I can straighten and flatten my leg really well on the floor.  But wait!  How do you get up from the floor?   When you cannot kneel to get up, it's all but impossible.

Finally, I scooted over to the sofa and had Nick sit on the sofa right behind me.  Somehow he was able to get his hands under my arms and  we got me up.  So I guess floor sitting is out for now!

I had a small melt down yesterday afternoon.    I have not driven a car in over 6 weeks.  I have been sleeping in a recliner for the last six weeks.  I am just feeling overwhelmed by all the things that I am currently unable to do.

The doctor said I am allowed to drive now. Thing is, as hard as it is for me to get into and out of the car, it's not really a great idea.  I'll do a test drive around the neighborhood soon.

One of theses days soon I will be able to go up and down the stairs.  My sewing and knitting and all of my craft stuff is in the basement.    I'll get there.   Soon I hope.

And now I have to get ready to go to physical therapy.

2001

What a year that was. 

Thought that Black Cat had run away only to find him dead in the basement.

Had a hysterectomy.

Got up to find that one of my kids had taken a combination of alcohol and drugs and had to call 911.   Tore my [hysterectomy]  stitches climbing into the ambulance with said child.  Spend hours at  the hospital watching him get his stomach pumped and vomiting.

My brother was killed in an accident.

Fiasco surrounding my brother's funeral.

Three weeks later my father died.

Nick returned from Albania.  We were reconciling after a separation.

911 happened and we all felt the fear and sorrow and togetherness as Americans.

My father's funeral service at Arlington National Cemetery shortly after 911.


What a year it was.

babies, kids, adults. how did that happen?

Kids.  My kids.  Adults all.  But I think of them as all of their incarnations.   Their lives started as little parasites inside my body.  No, I didn't think of them as parasites.  But, their whole existence depended upon me and my existence.

And, yes, I am pro choice.  I don't think it's up to me or any of my business if a woman chooses not to become a mother.   Or, if she's already a mother, to have another.   But, I do wish there were fewer accidental or unwanted pregnancies.

But, I digress.   Mine were all wanted.  Loved.  I don't know if you can really love a fetus, but you can love it's potential as your child.

So, it's strange to be the parent of these independent adults.  I nursed everyone of them.  Changed diapers.  Got peed and puked on.  Potty trained.   My relationship with my children, in the early part of their lives, was the most intimate a relationship can be.

Nick and I tried to be their advocates.  So many teacher conferences.   Back to school night.  Getting frustrated with the kids and their schools.

I can see now things that I could have done better.  But I did the best I could in the moment.  And it often was not good enough.

I am often apologizing to the kids.  I say "I wish I had known about antidepressants when you kids were younger" 

I know that I said hurtful things.  To all of them.  I would take it all back if I could.   I am sorry for that.

I know that they all know how loved they are and always have been.  I know that I am loved by all of my kids too.

And now, my babies are all adults.  And I cannot just say any old thing to them.   They still can have their feelings hurt by careless words.  I try so hard to censor myself.   But also, they have the "adult" power to do things to hurt me back.   I have an eternal fear that I will be shut off from any of their lives for saying or doing something that they find offensive or just plain unacceptable.   And it's a guessing game as to what's safe and what's not.

Nick's mom said once that she often dreamed of her children at around the age of 8 years old.    I thought that was sort of strange.    But now I understand.

These perfect, complicated former babies of mine are all independent living and thinking adults. 

I am not involved in their every day, minute to minute lives.   They don't "need" me like they once did.   Days and even weeks go by when we don't talk.  And as much as I miss all of them, it's the way life is and I think it's the way it's supposed to be.

Harrumph

Two hours of physical therapy yesterday.

It's so hard! The Bakers cyst on the back of my surgical knee hurts more than the surgery site itself. I try to sleep in bed, but I end up sleeping in the recliner in the family room. 

I cannot get comfortable in bed. When I went to the doctor's office a week or so ago, the PA said my knee was swollen from the blood pooling from the blood thinner I am on (Elaquis). Then I was found to have a blood clot and the dose of the blood thinner was doubled. The swelling is from a bakers cyst behind my knee. My left leg is swollen - my physical therapist showed me that I have pitting edema.

I usually can talk myself through stuff, but yesterday I was really weepy. I see my primary care doctor on Saturday and Nick and I will go over all of the medications I have .been prescribed. Nick is keeping track of everything I take and what time and how much.

I know I am only 4 weeks out and it's early days, but I am not very happy. I do see improvements, but  I am still in too much pain. In my opinion.

I'll keep you posted.

Progress? Maybe

Today marks four weeks since I had my knee surgery.  Up to now I have felt frustrated, scared and worried that I would never feel better.

The one blood clot that I had diagnosed a few weeks ago was so painful.   All the pain and lumpiness in my legs has made me so scared and concerned.

Last night after another night of being afraid to sleep, I woke Nick up and told him that I had to go to the hospital.   I expected him to disagree but he didn't .  I  told him I would take a cab if he didn't take me.

Turns out that the hospital down the street us in the same system as Reston Hospital, so they had total access to my records.

They reassured me that I was going to be alright.  The blood thinners are helping.  I have bakers cysts behind my knee which are a part of what is hurting the most.

I got a prescription for a muscle relaxer.  I took some this afternoon and it knocked me out.

So, for now anyway, I am not in too much pain.  I hope I am able to sleep all night and not wake up screaming in pain.   Fingers crossed.

I had planned for this to be a blog post about all sorts of philosophical stuff. Instead I wrote about my knee.

Good Night!