Sweet Baby Breath on my Shoulder

I went to our La Leche League meeting this evening. I have been to hundreds of LLL meetings in the last 38 years. They are all the same in that the focus is on breastfeeding.  They are all different because someone will have a question you haven't heard.  Someone else will have a question you have heard a million times, but is new to this and the other new moms in the room.

There are first time moms with their precious newborns.  There are pregnant moms so full of confidence and fear.  What kind of mother will I be.  What if the baby doesn't like me.  Will it hurt.  Any of it, all of it.

The second or third time moms are there too, including the mom who went into labor at one of our meetings a couple of years ago.

This evening, one mom, a second time mom, was having a bit of frustration when her baby fussed but didn't know what was wrong.

I offered to hold the baby to let him settle on my chest- my non-lactation chest.  Soft and warm.  Head of fluff resting on my shoulder.  Nuzzling his head with my nose for that indescribable new baby scent. 

Mom was able to relax.  I was relaxed by holding the baby.  Being a mom.  That is what I am.  But differently than I had really expected.  Oh the baby part was not so different.  It was just intense.  The love, the glue, the primal feeling in your blood that this baby is part of you, part of your body.   Amazing.

When I was in Oregon in July, having dinner at Courtney's house, Courtney pulled out an old copy of Bleak House.  There was writing inside the front cover as well as in the back cover.

The page with the numbers, is in Nick's hand writing.  It was our counting and timing contractions waiting to meet Courtney.   The other page is something that Nick wrote.

I will share the pages here and then I will go to bed.  Maybe I will dream of all the hours I was lucky enough to cradle those wonderful babies that Nick and I bore together.

Nick's poem to his first born

Timing contractions

Recovering still

I am just over four days out from my knee surgery.  I am still sore and don't feel very confident about doing a lot of walking yet. 

I have certainly had worse operations to recover from, but no surgery, especially with general anesthesia, is easy to recover from.

Yesterday I felt pretty crummy.  My stomach was upset.  I was feeling weak and grumpy and dopey and maybe a few other of the seven dwarfs as well.   The drugs for pain combined with the drugs to knock you out, combined with the pain and weakness and crazy dreams and on and on.  I was a real grouch yesterday.

And yet, on some level I feel guilty about not being able to do more.  I feel lazy, but I know that I cannot work with the pain, and I know that I want to get better, not to re-injure myself. So I have to take it slow for a while.

My knee doesn't look at all bad.  Three stitches is all. But, arthroscopic surgery involves a lot of maneuvering and pushing and tugging, so it hurts a lot.

Here's how my knee looks: 

Crazy!  

There's a full moon tonight and I tried to take a couple of pictures.  Lets see what I have here.

I love the full moon.  I always want to howl when I see a full moon- but I usually don't!










One more picture, then I am off to bed.  I took a selfie of myself (of course) in the sunshine.   Not a very flattering picture.  But, the reason I am posting it here is that I am startled at how white my hair is.  I think it looks lighter than it is because of the bright sunshine.  But, wow!

Taking it easy

Had my knee surgery yesterday.  So far so good.  I am in pain, but I was in pain before the surgery, which is why I had it in the first place.  I had a sore throat yesterday from the tube from general anesthesia.  The anesthesiologist was great.  He used a new method called LMA that is good for people (like me) with a difficult airway.   Much better than what I have had with "regular" intubation.

My knee has been making cracking, popping sounds when I walk, but now, I still hurt, but the noise is gone.  The surgeon showed Nick and Carol pictures of the inside of my knee and explained when he did. I hope I will get to see the pictures too.

Before surgery, I wrote "yes" and "no" on my knees.  Dr Klein (surgeon) added his own art to mine.  His is in purple.

Recovery room pictures, below are on my bandaged leg, and me in a hospital gown.

Bandaged, post-op leg